Instinct

I am an absorber of history.  I have my favorite parts of history, as do most amateur historians.  The part of history I am most interested in is World War II.  Mostly the German and Jewish perspective.

During one of my WWII courses, I had a professor say unequivocally that under the right circumstances any of us were capable of killing.  And I knew it was true as I know it is remains true now.  The part WWII plays in this are the people who had to do some of the most awful things in order to survive.  They had to take value of their own lives over the value of someone else’s.  While watching one of my videos on the events of WWII, I got to thinking about my own instincts.

Watching these videos wasn’t the first time I got to thinking about my instincts.  When I say instincts I am talking about the instinct to fight or to flee in the event of terror.  I think 8 times out of 10, my instinct is to fight.  I consider  myself a protector of sorts, and I know that I would rather someone bully me (who can defend myself) than bully someone who cannot defend themselves.

Now, I wonder where does this instinct come from?  My father played the largest part in my life as compared to my siblings.  And my mother still points out that I worshipped the man (in fact she believes I still do).  He always, ALWAYS taught me “If someone hits you, you hit them twice as hard.  If they hit you again, you double your first efforts.”  Is it because of that teaching and my feelings toward my father that I would rather fight than turn the other cheek? 

Remember, I said 8 times out of 10.  My mother taught me to turn the other cheek.  That if you don’t run, they can’t chase you.  If you don’t fight, the person antagonizing you won’t have any reason to continue the attack.  She was right and wrong on so many levels.  It is her teaching I reflect on if the consequences of fighting are more troublesome(?) than the consequences of fleeing (or doing nothing).

Since my mother played the largest part of my upbringing, I spent a lot of my younger years not lowering myself to the level of my bullies.  I know now, because I am CONSTANTLY reflecting on it, that it is wiser to choose one’s battles.  Sometimes the bully really DOES need the SH*T knocked out of them, just once, to prove to them and yourself, that you are indeed capable and STILL on a level above them…even if it is only one level.

When I think about what is going on in the world around me I hope that my first instinct always remains to be fight rather than flight.  But I hope that before I allow that instinct to take action, that I consider the weight of the consequences on both sides.

The Burning of Sacred Texts

Heaven help us. I am severely concerned about the state of our country when a man in south Florida wants to go about burning a sacred text. I don't mind that he wants to protest. He and his followers are welcome to protest how ever they would like to OTHER than burning a sacred text.

There is a way to "bite [your] thumb" at a group of people, of offenders, without destroying something sacred. The last group of people who burned sacred texts were the Nazis. Are we about to agree that they had "God" on their side when they did that? Are we going to let THEM (or, did we, rather) get away with saying that? Hell, we didn't even let them get a way with saying "I did what I was ordered to do."

I agree with what Axelrod said today, "yes, those [ignorant, backward, b*st*rds] have a right to do what they want to do (burn the Quran (Koran)), but that does NOT make it right." I say, burn their flag, burn their prayer rugs, but leave that book alone!!

Not only are they wanting to insult the Taliban or Al-Quaida, but they ARE going to insult the AMERICAN Muslim population and anyone who is sympathetic to or friends with Muslims. I don't personally know anyone who studies Islam, but I DO believe in religious tolerance and the freedom of religion. Obviously, since I practice that right of freedom on life basis. What is more is I like learning about other religions. I don't force my beliefs, and I appreciate it when I'm not being forced on someone else's beliefs, yet I STILL believe in the right.

That PRIG in south Florida and his followers are welcome to find some where else to claim their citizenship.

Now, I am just ranting. To put it a little more simply and concise. I am terrified for my fellow Americans. I am outraged at the stupidity of this man and his followers. The only thing this "burning" will do is put lives in danger and make the fundamentalists, more fundamental. I may not be a Christian anymore, but I'm pretty sure that burning a sacred text is NOT the same as a burning bush.

Who?

What kind of person does it take to exist solely on themselves?  I often feel lonely when I am surrounded by people.   It is sometimes worse when I am near the people I am most intimate with.  I fight these imaginary battles constantly with myself and with others.

I rely on information.  I recently took a class that I absolutely HATED!!!  I thought it would be something interesting.  I used to really appreciate "English." Now...  Anyway, the professor was obsessed with two questions. One: What time is it?  That was an extremely valid question.  I LOVE history and the time makes a HUGE difference.  We have an African-American president!!  That wasn't possible until now!

The second question was: So what?  Which is basically if you are going to make an argument, what "higher meaning" is there to the argument.  Aesop's fables.  There is a moral to the story, but not all stories are meant to be that way.  I understand the woman's point now, but it still doesn't matter to me.  What matters is WHY!

How are we do understand one another on the other's terms without knowing "why?"  You'd be surprised how little that question is asked when we become adults.  I took a philosophy class a couple of years back and the thing I remember most about it was when a visiting professor explained that "why" is the first sign of rebellion.

Now for the "so what?"  How can a person be a part of anything else without the higher understanding of that "else?"  And is madness the only way to escape that eternal loneliness that comes from being unable to know "why?"

Who am I? Where am I going? Why am I going there? And is anyone coming with me?

I'm Lost in the World of my Heart

So, I'm lost in the world of my heart.  There are so many things constantly going on in my mind I can't sort them all out.  I can imagine myself, sitting here as I am now, but with a bunch of index cards laid out before me.  Each one has something--a thought, a feeling, an event--written on it.  Now, somehow, I need to sort them all out.  Make some kind of sense of them.  Is there a pattern, a chain, what?

I'm like a bird that keeps on flying into the same piece of glass.  I can see what I am after beyond that wall, and I expect to just walk right up to it and snag it.  However, that glass just keeps stopping me.  Let me tell you, my nose is really starting to hurt.

Tomorrow is going to be the first day off where I have nothing planned in almost a month.  I don't intend to go anywhere, except maybe the laundry mat (why is it called that?).  Just going to hang out with myself, catch up on some of my shows and clean the house.  Maybe while I am sorting all of that out, I will get some perspective on what is going on inside me.

What Employers are Looking For...

You know, my mother raised me to be a responsible adult. My father raised me to be as perfect as I possibly can. Let me explain how he did that. I cannot tell you how many times I had to do something over again until it was done to his standards. It didn't matter if it was a letter to my grandparents or my homework. Because of that "training," as human as I know I am, I HATE to make mistakes. I (used to) take pride in my work.

Where I work, it is important that we make as few mistakes as possible. Some mistakes may cost someone his or her life. Do not take this lightly. To put it plainly, I am currently employed by a company that handles medical records. Charts that are put into the system that contain more than one patient can cost a life. If the "mixed" patient in the chart doesn't have an allergy that the "true" patient has, the health care professionals could see that it is ok to give a certain medication and find out when after it is too late that there was an allergy. Another more dire mistake is that of a DNR. To any readers who may not know what that is, it is an order meaning "DO NOT RESUSCITATE." I'm sure you can fathom what this means. If the mixed patient had a DNR, but the true patient did not, the health care professionals may not do what is needed to save that person's life.

Keeping all that in mind, allow me to explain a couple of other attributes I think I have. I take responsibility for my actions or inaction. Whichever may be the case. I am also honest. Usually to a fault. I am not, I repeat, I am NOT manipulative. I may be a little blunt and few people seem to appreciate that. I try to do my best at all times. I am determined and if I am expected to get a job done, I WILL get that job done.

However, much to my disappointment, this is NOT what employers are looking for. They apparently want an employee who will take them for all they are worth and only consider her/his self and her/his needs. They are NOT looking for someone who consistently goes the extra mile to make her/his coworkers lives a little easier. I am not the person they are looking for. I would try to be someone other than who I am, but that never seems to work for me.

My question now is, what the...I mean...what in the world am I going to do? Tonight, I feel a renewed energy to find a new job. I have and will apply to three new companies. I am honestly crossing my fingers for the one that will give me a leg up into the accounting field. I am planning to get my Masters in Accounting after all.

Regardless of what happens, I know that I cannot work for the company I currently work for any longer. If it weren't for my husband, I would have been gone already and let come what may. However, at this point, I cannot be the employee they seem to desire. Wish me luck and good will, won't you?

A Billionaire for Five Hours

I was logging off of my Yahoo! account after checking my email. As you may or may not know, when you log off a Yahoo! account, you are returned to the Yahoo! homepage. There they flash different articles of interest. The one that caught my attention was about this man who checked his bank balance to find that he had $88,888,888,888.88 (that is eighty eight billion, eight hundred eighty eight million, eight hundred eighty eight thousand, eight hundred eighty eight dollars and eighty eight cents). CAN YOU IMAGINE?!

So, the end of the article invites readers to imagine what they would do with that kind of money if they owned it for 5 hours. The man who reported the error asked the bank if he could move the money to an interest-bearing account for the time remaining before the error could be fixed and donate the interest to charity. According to the Wall Street Journal that interest would have amounted to $7.3 million. The bank, of course, said no.

I read the article to my husband and he said, "Can we say DEBT FREE?" That made me think of what I would do with that money if I owned it for 5 hours. The ground rule is that you have to return the money and anything you bought with it. But if I could break the rule just a little, I would take a hint from the guy with the original error and move the money to an interest-bearing account. They could have their $88.8 billion back, but with that $7.3 million, I would clear out some serious debt.

Since I am not a philanthropist, I would clear out my debt (the remainder of my two credit cards, my entire student debt through the end of my Masters degree, my car and the cost of my house without making any cosmetic and other renovations (which comes to about $160,000)), my husband's debt, my mother's and my father's debt (no more than $200,000 a piece). Basically, once I cleared the family (mine and his), each with no more than $200,000, I'd start taking a look at other families who got into debt not by being irresponsible, but because of what happened with the economy (and maybe some health issues) and clear their debt. Trying to do this, and including the family, that is 36 approximate individuals and families we could help. And 7.3 million is JUST INTEREST!! Imagine how many families could be helped out of their debt with the $88.8 billion.



Check out the article by going to: "If You Were a Billionaire for Five Hours" by Robert Frank

Good vs Evil

My baby sister recently started seeing someone new. She asked me what my beliefs were politically. Whether I considered myself a Liberal. She didn't offer me the option of being conservative, I guess she knew as much that it wasn't a possibility. In truth, I am a moderate. There are things that I am conservative about and things that I am liberal about. I won't go into detail about them here unless a topic specifically warrants it.

This conversation lead to a discussion about religion. Apparently she and he discussed all of the "hot topics," you know, politics, religion, and abortion. Abortion is another topic I will avoid here unless absolutely necessary; however, I will be straight about religion. I am a Green Wiccan. Which is to say that I don't worship any deities. That isn't to say that I do not believe that something higher doesn't exist, my feeling is that there IS something higher, I just don't worship it and if I conduct a spell, I do it with TANGIBLE items and infuse them with my own spirit or the spirit of nature. Nature is as close as I will come to any kind of deity. But, again, nature is tangible.

My baby sister told me that she told her boyfriend, "I believe in a devil and a god, but they aren't necessarily YOUR god or YOUR devil." She went on to explain to me that her boyfriend didn't understand her meaning. I do. I understand it clearly, but then I am her sister. The most simple way to translate what she said is to say that she believes in good and evil. I'd wonder about any religion or any person who did not acknowledge that both good and evil exist.

I've been listening to a book, Green River Running Red by Anne Rule. At first, I was only listening to it to keep my mind occupied while I worked. Then, at some point today, I really started listening to what the narrator was reading. The book is about the Green River Killer who slayed "working women" in the 80's. The stories of these women and this THING is absolutely horrific and heart wrenching. The worse part is that the killer isn't the only evil in the book. Stories how some of the women and the girls ended up in their last occupation contain evil too.

Where does it come from? We all have the potential to be evil don't we? How is it some of us chose not to be? I have a friend, she is one of the most wonderful people that I have ever met. She had a life right out of the book I mentioned (not the "working girl" part). Yet, she is good--the very essence of it really. What saved her? I didn't have the greatest life either. Yea, there are plenty of others who have had it far worse, but what has kept me above the tide of despair? The answer has to, MUST, lie somewhere in the portion of the brain we "don't" use.

What Once Was...

This is only a short post to get me started. I do a lot of thinking. Most of the time I have a little journal I carry around with me to write my thoughts down in. Unfortunately, I do most of my thinking while I am driving or while I am listening to podcasts. I am far faster at typing than I am at writing and I tend to want to share some of my thoughts, so I am going to use Blogger to do that venting.